The Power and Control Wheel, Without the Gendered Assumptions (Quick Read)

Full post: The Power and Control Wheel, Without the Gendered Assumptions

The Power and Control Wheel (Duluth Model, 1980s) maps the tactics abusers use beyond physical violence. Physical and sexual violence sit on the outer rim — they reinforce the spokes, not replace them. The original version used gendered language that excluded LGBTQ+, kink, and queer relationships. This version doesn't.

The original spoke described a real pattern — but naming it as inherently male made the tool unusable for same-gender relationships, female abusers, and trans/nonbinary people. "Using privilege" broadly keeps the insight (leveraging structural advantage to control a partner) while working regardless of who holds that advantage.

Survivors who don't see their experience in a tool sometimes conclude it doesn't count. Widening the language widens who can recognize themselves in it.

Every spoke can appear inside a power exchange dynamic wearing kink vocabulary as cover:

• "Using privilege" → citing the D/s role to make unilateral decisions never negotiated
• "Minimizing/blaming" → "you consented to being my submissive, so this is just what that means"
• "Identity-based threats" → threatening to out a partner's kink involvement to an employer or family

The distinguishing question: Does this behavior trace back to something actually negotiated and revisited — or is it being justified after the fact by appeal to the dynamic's existence in general?

Rather than asking "is this abuse?" all at once, go through each spoke:

• Does this spoke appear in my relationship — even mildly or infrequently?
• Do multiple spokes show up together as a pattern?
• Does real or threatened violence at the rim make the other spokes harder to resist?
• Have I started avoiding topics, hiding purchases, or rehearsing conversations in anticipation of a specific reaction?

A single spoke occasionally ≠ abuse. A consistent pattern across multiple spokes, reinforced by real or implied violence, is what the wheel is designed to catch.

Recognizing a pattern doesn't obligate you to act immediately. Most survivors leave and return multiple times before leaving for good — that's not failure, it's a reflection of how much genuine loss leaving involves. A kink-aware advocate or therapist can support you at whatever pace it actually takes.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | The Network/La Red (LGBTQ+ and kink-aware): 800-832-1901 | Crisis line: call or text 988

Mx. Love C. Dialogos, LMFT · They/Them · Buddhist Chaplain

Licensed in Wisconsin, Illinois, New York, Texas, Florida, Arizona, Ohio, Michigan, Indiana, New Mexico, Hawaii, Idaho, and Alaska.